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Your AVETMISS Horoscope for 2020

December 10, 2019

Virgo

Aug 23—Sep 22
You’ve had a tough year, and your chakras are all over the place, which is making your AVETMISS reporting a living hell. To re-emerge from the darkness of confusion, you must first cleanse your aura by lighting 99 lavender-scented candles, whose fragrance will lift you from the depths, and re-awaken your third eye. Only then can you submit your final report to NCVER.

Sagittarius

Nov 22—Dec 21
At the stroke of midnight on October 1st, ASQA releases six-hundred and sixty-six ravenous AVETMISS demons, and doesn’t catch them until the end of February. These beasts want nothing more than to take possession of your soul and sabotage your reporting with villainous misdeeds, so that their boss can close you down. They have a particular flavour for Sagittarius, but luckily for you, essential oils are a proven deterrent against these demons, which you’d do well to rub all over yourself, remaining slick until your final report is submitted.

Pay particular attention to your earlobes, as these are a favourite entry point for the demons.

Libra

Sep 23—Oct 22
In a few short days, Jupiter will come into alignment with Pluto, making gravity work with you rather than against you, and fuelling your extra sensory perception. Once this happens, every single error that you’re wrangling over will become clear as day, as universal synchronicity reaches its peak. 

If the sundial in your garden is spinning, just ignore it.

Capricorn

Dec 22—Jan 19
December is a great time for you to reconnect with your ancestors, particularly those who had any kind of clue about AVETMISS reporting. Retrieve your tumbled quartz stones from your spiritual cupboard, light a salt lamp, and wait for the appropriate person to appear. If it’s your creepy brother in-law with the bulging eyes, find it in your heart to forgive him and his wandering peepers. You need all the help you can get.

Scorpio

Oct 23—Nov 21
Mercury is in retrograde, and as a Scorpio, you’re in luck. Your NAT files will contain a deep truth that cannot be disrupted for the entire Christmas period, even by Santa himself. You won’t even have to validate your files—just submit them to NCVER. 

You may have an out-of-body experience during this time, where you hover over yourself and watch as you fix AVETMISS errors like an unstoppable prodigy. Don’t wander off if this happens, because there’s a good chance you’ll get lost and spend an eternity floating about like a confused jellyfish.

Aquarius

Jan 20—Feb 18
You know USI as the Unique Student Identifier, but what you probably don’t know is that there’s another USI that is valuable during reporting season—your Undulating Spiritual Intuition. As an Aquarius whose spirit flows back and forth like water, utilising your Undulating Spiritual Intuition is essential for your reporting success. Your USI can be strengthened by assuming the Cobra yoga pose, and listening to the splish-splash sounds of an old Hindu gentleman walking in the shallows of the River Ganges.

Pisces

Feb 19—Mar 20
As the most slippery of the Zodiacs, you need to be the most cautious. Essential oils are not for you during this period—you might accidentally slide into the clutches of ASQA.

To make yourself as dry and course as possible, take the Chinese mortar and pestle that you bought on eBay and very gradually crush one of your salt lamps into powdery dust. Then apply the powder to your entire body, making sure to leave your earlobes slippery, for the same reasons mentioned above. Once you’re confident in your dryness, sit in the roughest chair you can find, and start your reporting with severe caution.

Aries

Mar 21—Apr 19
As an Aries, your spirit was born from the soul of a Ram, and your penchant for headbutting things can be very useful during reporting season. Confused about an AVETMISS error? Headbutt your desk. Can’t find the confidence to submit your final report to NCVER? Headbutt the photocopier. The very act of headbutting releases trapped energy and allows you to be your most authentic self, giving you the courage you need to move forward and headbutt ASQA.

Taurus

Apr 20—May 20
Your mind is in perfect sync with global consciousness, making you the luckiest of all during this troublesome season. Explaining your esoteric knowledge to others is futile, so don’t bother trying. Just get the hell on with your reporting before Saturn completes its third radial loop, because after that, you’re done for.

Gemini

May 21—Jun 20
Don’t ignore the uncomfortable feeling in your Solar Plexus Chakra—it’s alerting you to hidden errors in your reporting. To reveal them, fill your diffuser with your favourite vanilla bean fragrance, give your ball a thorough polish, and gaze deeply into its mysterious center. In time, the errors will appear. If you’re seeing the AFL scores instead, next time buy a genuine vanilla bean fragrance.

Cancer

Jun 21—Jul 22
Everyone in the VET industry is crabby during reporting season, but you’re the crabbiest. Take a deep belly breath, holster your pincers, and say the following: 

“I’m a strong independent crustacean, and I will fix these errors.”
“I’m a strong independent crustacean, and I will fix these errors.”
“I’m a strong independent crustacean, and I will fix these errors.”

This mantra will give you confidence to come out of your shell and attack your AVETMISS reporting with vigour.

Leo

Jul 23—Aug 22
The Pendulum of Fortune swings this way and that, blessing some with perfect AVETMISS reports, and devastating others. As a Leo, your roar is hushed during December—nothing is mightier than the Pendulum, and it’s against you. You’re more like a kitten. The safest option is to lock yourself in a cupboard until February.

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